Carnegie: How To Win Friends and Influence People

TDLR

"How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie is a classic self-help book that teaches the reader how to be more likable and persuasive. It emphasizes the importance of treating others with respect, understanding their perspective, and avoiding criticism and arguments. Carnegie provides practical tips for building strong relationships, improving communication skills, and gaining the trust and respect of others. The book emphasizes the power of positivity, kindness, and empathy in developing successful personal and professional relationships.

After reading this book, you can walk away learning eight key topics to enhance your professional success:

1. Get out of a mental rut, think new thoughts, acquire new visions, and discover new ambitions;
2. Make friends quickly and easily;
3. Increase your popularity;
4. Win people to your way of thinking;
5. Increase your influence, your prestige, and your ability to get things done;
6. Handle complaints, avoid arguments, and keep your human contacts smooth and pleasant;
7. Become a better speaker and a more entertaining conversationalist;
8. Arouse enthusiasm among your associates.

Why should you listen to this author?

This is an important book for the business world because it provides valuable insights on how to effectively communicate and interact with others in the workplace. Dale Carnegie was an American writer, lecturer, and corporate trainer with decades of experience teaching people how to improve their communication and leadership skills. He was born in Missouri in 1888 and grew up in poverty. He worked several odd jobs before finding his calling as a public speaker and trainer. Carnegie's first book, "Public Speaking and Influencing Men in Business," was published in 1926, and was followed by the best-seller, "How to Win Friends and Influence People," which was published in 1936. The book has since sold over 30 million copies worldwide and is considered a classic in the field of self-help and personal development.

Carnegie's philosophy centered around the idea that people could achieve success by changing their attitudes and habits. He believed that by building relationships, improving communication skills, and taking an empathetic approach, individuals could create positive change in their lives and the lives of others. He also stressed the importance of personal growth and continuous learning.

Throughout his career, Carnegie trained and inspired countless individuals in the corporate world and beyond. He emphasized the importance of self-awareness, humility, and genuine interest in others. He believed that by putting others first and focusing on their needs and desires, individuals could build lasting and meaningful relationships.

Carnegie's advice continues to be relevant and valuable today. His principles have been applied in a variety of contexts, including personal relationships, professional settings, and leadership development. He has inspired countless individuals to make positive changes in their lives and has helped to establish the personal development and self-help genres.

The Core Principles

The principles highlighted below are Carnegie's main points to help make the 200-page book more easily palatable for daily implementation. Below each principle, there is a brief description to give the reader insights into what he wrote about. The principles discussed have been separated into four main parts:

• Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
• Six Ways to Make People Like You
• How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
• How to Be an Effective Leader

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.

Criticizing people does not lead to positive changes and can instead create resentment. People are motivated by emotions and pride, not logic, and criticism puts them on the defensive, making them try to justify themselves.

Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.

People have a deep desire to feel important and appreciated, but often this is not fulfilled as we often take others for granted and do not express appreciation. Appreciation should come from the heart, not just words of flattery, as this can be shallow and insincere. By focusing on others and expressing sincere appreciation, we can positively impact their self-perception, motivation, and success. Honest appreciation has the power to make a real difference and should be given more often.

Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.

To influence others, it's important to give them what they want, not what you want. People are only interested in their own wants and needs, so to convince someone to do something, you have to frame it in terms of what motivates them. This requires putting aside your own thoughts and opinions and seeing things from the other person's perspective. By doing so, you can convince them that what you're asking is in their best interest. Being unselfish and serving others is a rare and advantageous quality as there is little competition in the business world.

Six Ways to Make People Like You

Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.

To be well-liked, focus on being interested in others rather than trying to impress them. Show support and celebrate their accomplishments, such as remembering their birthdays, congratulating them on promotions or successes, and organizing parties for their personal celebrations. By showing interest in others, they are more likely to show interest in you.

Principle 2: Smile.

A smile is the best way to show someone that you like them, that they make you happy, and that you're glad to see them. However, the author acknowledges that a fake smile can backfire. In a professional setting, a warm greeting and acknowledgment of someone are important and can make a big difference, but a fake smile may come across as insincere.

Principle 3: Remember people’s names.

Remembering someone's name is crucial for building relationships and making a good impression. People love hearing their own name, and using it regularly shows them that they are appreciated and remembered. To remember names, one can create a system or study the names before attending meetings or networking events. The importance of a person's name to them is unmatched, and they are often more interested in their own name than any other name in the world.

Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

To be a good conversationalist, focus on asking interesting questions and encouraging the other person to speak, rather than trying to come up with funny jokes or witty stories. Listen actively, by asking questions and using nonverbal cues like "aha's" and "wows." By doing this, you can show genuine interest in the other person and create a more engaging conversation.

Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

To interest people, get to know their areas of passion by observing what topics they enjoy discussing and what they spend their free time on. Encourage them to talk about their interests and show genuine curiosity in learning from them. This will help establish a connection and demonstrate that you value their interests. By engaging in conversation about what someone treasures most, you can win them over and make a lasting impression.

Principle 6: Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

To instantly make people like you, treat others the way you would like to be treated. When you meet someone, focus on finding something admirable about them. This approach of finding positivity in others will help you build strong relationships.

How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

Arguing with someone often leads to them being more firmly convinced that they are right and can result in hurt feelings and resentment. To handle disagreements effectively, it's important to welcome the disagreement, control our temper, listen first, look for areas of agreement, be honest, promise to consider the other person's ideas and postpone action to give both time to think things through. By doing so, it's possible to avoid negative outcomes and overall defensiveness, while handling disagreements in a constructive way.

Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

Telling someone they are wrong can come across as a challenge and incite opposition. To avoid this, it's better to approach the situation subtly and not announce that you are trying to prove something. This way, the other person is less likely to feel challenged and there will be less opposition.

Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

By admitting to our mistakes first, rather than waiting for someone else to point them out, we allow the other person to feel important and elevate their self-esteem. This can be achieved by acknowledging our faults in a quick and enthusiastic manner, which will inspire them to be forgiving and show mercy. Instead of defending our mistakes like many others attempt to do, admitting to them gives one a sense of nobility and pride. Encouraging ourselves to be the first to bring attention to our faults can lead to a positive outcome.

Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.

The key to resolving disagreements with someone is to approach the situation calmly and collaboratively, rather than with hostility. By starting with a friendly and open-minded attitude, it becomes easier to find common ground and work toward a solution that benefits both parties. Instead of trying to force someone to agree with you, it's more effective to be gentle and lead them in the direction you want to go through positive, engaging conversation.

Principle 5: Get the other person to say, “yes, yes” immediately.

When communicating with others, it's important to focus on common ground and shared goals. This helps to avoid starting the conversation on a negative note and the other person feeling defensive. Instead, try to steer the conversation toward agreement and get the person to say "yes" as soon as possible. This creates a more positive and open attitude. Using questions, like the Socratic Method, can help lead the person towards a conclusion they may have initially disagreed with. Before discussing differing perspectives, aim to find at least two things to agree on to start the conversation on a more positive note.

Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

When trying to persuade someone, it's better to let them talk and share their thoughts, instead of dominating the conversation. It's important to listen to them patiently and with an open mind, without interrupting. Avoid filling in the silence with your own thoughts and let the other person continue speaking. This way, you'll build a better relationship and have a more productive conversation.

Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

People tend to have a stronger connection and commitment to ideas they come up with on their own, rather than ideas imposed on them by others. When trying to convince someone, it's better to guide them towards your perspective, rather than forcing your ideas on them. Letting them arrive at the conclusion themselves will make them feel more invested and committed to it. Focus on the outcome rather than who gets the credit and let the other person take the spotlight.

Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

Successful human relations require understanding that others may have different opinions, but they believe in them deeply. Instead of condemning them, try to understand their perspective and the reasons behind their thoughts and actions. By considering how you would feel in their situation, you can better understand their viewpoint and avoid conflict. When communicating, it's important to focus on the reasons that are important to the other person and present the information in a way that appeals to them, rather than solely emphasizing your own viewpoint. 

Principle 9: Be sympathetic to the other person’s ideas and desires.

There is a powerful phrase that can help resolve conflicts, create positive interactions, and make the other person listen attentively. By saying "I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do. If I were you, I would undoubtedly feel the same way," you show the other person that you understand and empathize with their perspective. Most people are looking for sympathy, and by showing it, they will be more likely to see things from your point of view. By showing genuine understanding, you can turn negative emotions into positive ones.

Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.

People often have hidden motives for doing things, and they usually recognize these reasons only to themselves. However, they also like to think of their actions as having noble motives. To influence others, it's important to appeal to these nobler motives. Most people are honest and have a strong desire to fulfill their obligations, and they are more likely to respond positively if they feel that they are being considered honest, fair, and upright. When trying to convince someone to do something, focus on their positive traits and values, such as responsibility, fairness, wisdom, or diligence. By mentioning these traits, you can emphasize the importance of their actions and increase the chances of getting a favorable response.

Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas.

To be persuasive, simply stating facts and truth is not enough. To grab someone's attention and make an impact, it's important to present information in a vivid, interesting, and dramatic way. This could be achieved by adding elements of showmanship to presentations or sales pitches. For example, proposing by getting down on one knee, making chores into games, or engaging the audience's other senses. To be effective, think of creative ways to make your ideas stand out.

Principle 12: Throw down a challenge.

People have a natural desire to achieve and often have a competitive spirit, wanting to be the best. To motivate someone to take action, offering a challenge can be effective. A study by behavioral scientist Frederic Herzberg found that the most significant factor that motivates people is the work itself, particularly when it is interesting and exciting. People love the game and the chance to express themselves, prove their worth, and excel. When struggling to motivate others, try turning it into a game and offer a reward. This could be in the form of a competition, such as a sales rep receiving a prize for bringing in the most revenue, or a child picking up the most toys to get to choose dinner.

How to Be an Effective Leader

Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

The way to effectively give criticism without offending someone is to start with praise for their strengths and positive attributes, then move on to the criticism and end with another compliment. This method is referred to as the criticism sandwich, and it's like the dentist giving Novocain before starting the drilling procedure to ease the pain. By starting with praise, you are providing a cushion for the negative feedback to be received, making the whole process less painful.

Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

People often respond negatively to direct criticism. To change someone's behavior without causing offense or resentment, changing one word can be crucial. Many start criticism with praise followed by the word "but" and their criticism. The word "but" discredits the sincerity of the initial praise, making it seem like the praise was only a lead-in to the criticism. To avoid this, one can replace "but" with "and" in critical feedback, making it a positive and encouraging experience for the person being criticized, instead of an inference of failure and disapproval.

Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

In order to change someone's behavior without causing negative emotions, it's important to acknowledge one's own flaws and mistakes. This makes it easier for the person being criticized to listen and accept the feedback. When criticizing someone, it's helpful to put oneself in their shoes and think about what it was like to be in their situation. This leads to a more empathetic approach and a better opportunity to be a positive mentor, rather than a boss or parent.

Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

People do not like being told what to do. To improve this situation, instead of giving orders, we should offer opportunities for individuals to learn from their own experiences and mistakes. Instead of saying "Do this" or "Don't do that" it's better to ask questions like "Do you think this would work?" or "Have you considered this?" Asking questions leads to better solutions and creativity, and helps individuals feel important and in control. It also increases the likelihood of acceptance, as individuals are more likely to accept an order if they had a part in the decision-making process. So, instead of telling someone specifically what to do, ask questions that help them reach the conclusion that helps determine the best course of action to take.

Principle 5: Let the other person save face.

Disagreements can easily lead to the diminishing of someone's ego and self-worth. It is important to avoid criticism that can cause harm to someone's dignity. Instead, try to approach a situation with consideration and understanding, and think about how to deliver a decision or information in a way that allows the person to maintain their self-esteem. This can be done by avoiding negative feedback in front of others or by presenting the information in a way that is not embarrassing. Consider the other person's perspective and try to approach the situation in a way that is respectful and considerate.

Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

Praise has a significant impact on individuals, shaping them into the person they have become. It is a powerful tool for helping others realize their full potential. Yet, instead of focusing on their strengths and offering praise, we tend to focus on their faults and criticisms. It is important to praise often and note even the smallest improvements, as it encourages continued growth. Praise acts like sunlight to the human spirit, helping individuals to flourish and grow. Specific praise is also more sincere and genuine, showing that it is not just said to make the person feel good. To inspire change in someone, recognizing and acknowledging their progress, through specific and sincere praise, can keep them motivated and reaching their goals.

Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

It is important to give someone a positive reputation and appeal to their nobler motives. They will feel a sense of responsibility to live up to the reputation you have given them. If you want to improve someone in a certain aspect, act as though that trait already exists. By doing so, you create an expectation for them to meet, which can drive them to strive towards that goal.

Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

Encouragement is key to inspiring motivation. Telling someone they are stupid or bad at something only strips away their motivation, but by encouraging and praising their efforts towards improvement, a higher level of motivation can be achieved. Be liberal with your encouragement, make the task seem easy, and express your belief in their ability to do it, and they will strive to excel. Instead of telling someone their goal is impossible, focus on acknowledging and praising their small victories to keep them inspired and motivated.

Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

To be an effective leader, it's important to make the person you want to change happy about the change. By offering incentives, praise, and authority, you can encourage a person to willingly accept your decisions and do what you want them to do. To achieve this, it is crucial to be sincere, have a clear understanding of what you want the person to do, and be empathetic to their needs and wants. By matching the benefits of the change to their wants and framing the request in a way that highlights the personal benefits, you increase the chances of the person happily accepting your suggestions.

While these techniques may not guarantee a desired outcome, they increase the likelihood of success in changing attitudes and behavior. By using these principles, we become more effective leaders and with practice, they become second nature. With time, we will master the art of human relations. A small increase in success, even by just 10%, can make a significant impact.